Guest Post: Redefining Romance

It can be quite a challenge for a newly married woman to come to an
understanding of what romance means. Her mind is frequently full of fairy tales with a
handsome prince who can do no wrong. She cultivates visions of romantic dates,
beautiful bouquets of flowers, and a happily ever after.

Yet, very few men can live up to such a romantic vision. Even so, each man and
every husband has certain ways he demonstrates his love to his wife. The challenging
task before every wife is to learn what romance means to her husband. Rather than
holding her husband up to an ideal that he can’t meet, a wife needs to redefine romance
so that she appreciates what her husband does for her.

Release Your Husband From Your Expectations
Your husband loves you, but he demonstrates love differently than you do. It’s
easy to think of all the ways you want your husband to romance you, but your husband
may not be accustomed to those ways of being romantic. When your husband doesn’t
meet your romantic expectations, it is easy to become bitter. But this only hurts you and
your marriage.

Release your husband from your expectations. Acknowledge that romance
doesn’t have to be demonstrated in the way you want it to be. There are many different
ways to demonstrate romantic love to a spouse.

Recognizing His Cues
Learn to read your husband. Some men may give off subtle (or not-so-subtle)
clues as to when they think they are being romantic. Perhaps your husband smiles at
you a certain way when he’s demonstrating his life. Recognize that smile. Acknowledge
that when your husband smiles at you in that particular way, he’s being romantic in his
own way.

Watch your husband. Notice the small tasks he does to make your life easier.
Don’t overlook even small things your husband does. If he washes the dishes, learn to
view this as an expression of his love. If he watches the children one evening so you
can relax, thank him.

Do what it takes to learn how your husband demonstrates romance. Don’t wait
for your husband to become like a fairy-tale prince. Learn to feel loved by the way your
husband loves you.

Melinda and Carrie are 25-year-old twin sisters who have similar passions in life.  They both have a passion for encouraging women to embrace godly womanhood in whatever stage of life they are in through their blog at www.wholesomewomanhood.com.

Guest Post: Keep the Home Fires Burning

A tiny little wood/ coal stove stood in the family room of our former home. My husband loved to watch the fire burn. The snap and crackle of the wood soothed him, and its warmth surrounded him. He relaxed and enjoyed it so much. You know, marriage is a lot like that wood stove if you really think about it. When everything is all right in your marriage, its warmth will envelop you and surround your family with love as God intended.

When I was asked to submit this article, I began to pray that God would give me the right words to share. That night, I talked to my husband, David, about the opportunity; he encouraged me to write. Very early the next morning, God gave me the initial ideas. When I talked to David about what God had said, he enthusiastically shared all kinds of scientific input needed as a background for this article.

There was a time in our marriage that his input did not matter as much as it does today. I did not let him in all part of my life. By shutting him out of one area, it was easy to shut him out of other areas... until we began to have less and less communication about things that really mattered. We were headed for trouble, but that is getting ahead of the story.

David told me that in order for a fire to burn properly there are several things that are needed:

• oxygen
• heat
• togetherness ( and a need for space)
• fuel source (other wood)

Oxygen is essential to a fire. If the woodstove does not have proper ventilation, the fire will refuse to burn. At bedtime, David would do what he called, “banking the fire off”. He would restrict the airflow somewhat and add a lot of wood so that the fire would burn slowly overnight to keep the house warm. In the morning, he opened the air regulator a little and shook down the ashes to get to the live coals and slowly rebuild the fire.

Notice, he shook down the ashes. Ashes in a marriage are anything that will not allow the oxygen (love) to flow unhindered. Ashes are hurts that have never been dealt with properly, misunderstandings that have been swept under the rug, criticism, unkind thoughts... anything that is a hindrance has to be shaken down and taken out. We cannot do it on our own, but we have to allow the Holy Spirit to shake us up a little from time to time to remove that which is a hindrance in our marriage.

David and I went through years of difficulties that led to a cooling off of our embers. Oh, the spark was still there, but if we had not recognized it when we did, it would have destroyed our marriage. I had allowed him to hurt me, but I did not say anything about it for many years. He did not realize fully what he was doing because he was quite ill for a time. I tried to keep peace, but at my own expense. It wasn't God's plan for me to allow hurts and misunderstandings to go unresolved and unforgiven, but God has a way of awakening us. 

The Lord brought a friend into my life who helped me to realize what was happening in my marriage. One day, she said to me, “If you lose your husband to someone else, it is your own fault.” WHOA! Wait just a minute here! I was the one working my fingers to the bone to keep the boat afloat. David was seemingly unconcerned about my needs...and my friend had the gall to say what she did. She was right, you know. She encouraged me to get honest with myself and God, then do what needed done...namely to forgive David and deal with the situations that happened because I never shook down the ashes, which in turn, led to a cooling off the marriage.

When I opened up and talked to David about how I felt, then he understood me better. When I forgave and did my part to understand him better instead of focusing on the negatives, our marriage began to change. We took out the ashes and God made something beautiful in exchange. Our marriage began to come to life. We began to love each other on a deeper level. We began to laugh again. I spent more time with him, and he began to respond positively to me...and that brought back the warmth into the relationship.

Warmth ( Heat) is essential to release the gasses from the wood in order for the fire to burn successfully. The heat is an external source --God. The wood could lie there all day and not ignite because it has to have the spark from the Ultimate Fuel Source, God. God places those burning desires inside of us. They are only satisfied through Him and through our mates. One of the indications of breakdown in a marriage is the lack of time spent together and the lack of time spent with God. When we spend time with Him, then our times with our companion will ignite the other one's flame. You have to have both to have a truly happy marriage. So, if you want your marriage to have the heat and the romance that it needs, and to maintain a relationship, you have to do your part regardless of the distractions.

There are many things that call out for our attention at every stage of our lives. Young mothers have crying children clinging to their skirts all day long. Overwhelming housework is a never-ending job. Older women are busy with their homes and careers...and may experience the joys of being grandmothers. Their lives are filled with different worries because their children are grown, no longer tugging at their skirts, but instead are tied to the heartstrings wherever they go. We can get so wrapped up in caring for our offspring that our priorities get all twisted out of shape. When the fire is untended, we will end up as a statistic in the divorce courts... and the ashes will still be there when all is said and done.

That brings me to my next thought-- togetherness! Actually, this was my husband's idea. He said that if you want a fire to burn well, you must stick together, side by side. The warmth and fire from one piece of wood warms the one next to it. Together, they put forth a flame. If one of the logs is left alone, it may burn for a time, but eventually it will burn out without realizing its full potential. Together, the fire shoots upward, warming all of those around it.

We were meant to be together. God thought it was a good idea. Gen 2:18 says, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”...one who comes alongside the other one and stays right by his side. 

God is talking about more than the physical relationship here. He is referring to every aspect of our lives. It is so important to find the right mate in the first place. A couple needs to be compatible in marriage, not necessarily the same personality type. However, if you have a team of horses pulling a load, they have to be yoked together and pulling in the same direction with the same destination... or chaos reigns.

At the same time, a couple has to recognize the individuality of each other. My husband is mechanically inclined; I don't have a mechanical bone in my body. That does not mean that I prevent him from talking about the mechanical discoveries that excite him...and he allows me to talk about what I am passionate about. One has to respect the need for the other's interests and allow them to be who they were created to be. Marriage is a balance between togetherness and individuality! You don't have to quit being who you are when you marry. Instead, you enhance your mate's qualities. Together, you can be an unstoppable team-- which brings us back to the togetherness idea. Together, yet separate, in a triangular relationship with God-- the source of our relationship.

This next area is a difficult one for couples to navigate, and that is the fuel source. A lot of marriages struggle with others piling wood onto their fire that does not belong there.

This is called “wet wood”.

Gen. 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

In short, this means that you have your own little fire and let everyone else have their own fire. No one else should try to add to your fire. Their wood, “Wet Wood" will slow your fire down and cause your marriage to fall apart. Your fire that was healthy and strong will fizzle out. “Wet wood” was never meant for your fire. It has to be respectfully and carefully removed. You are one with your mate, not with the in-laws or anyone else. Your wood alone must be put on your fire.

“Little Wood”--Dry twigs and debris will make your fire burn furiously for a short time, then fizzle out. “Little Wood” represent the extra activities that come along with having a family. “Little Wood” has its place, but with limitations. You can't maintain a healthy fire if you are only burning the “Little Wood”. It create a lot of smoke, but doesn't last long. We have to set limits on extras, and keep priorities in the right place or “Little Wood” will adversely affect your marriage.

Another type of wood is “Sandy Wood”-- driftwood from the beach. Sandy wood represents time spent on things that distract you from spending quality time building a healthy relationship with your mate. This can be computer time or a hobby that you enjoy very much, but if you let it get out of control, you will be too tired. (And the Sandman does come early!) Your mate needs your attention just as much as your children do. After all, he or she will be there when your children are grown. If you do not recognize the need for quality uninterrupted time with your mate, even when you are “too tired” to listen or be to your husband or wife when they need you, your time could easily be replaced by someone else who will listen...and this is a very dangerous path to tread. Someone else will drift across your mate's pathway who will meet the needs that are your duty to meet. “Sandy Wood” is so preventable if you take the time to meet the needs of your lifetime companion.

What happens if your fire has gone out of your marriage? Is there any hope? Absolutely! There is always hope! With God's help the fire can be rekindled and the warmth of your love can definitely be restored, but it may not be easy.

According to my husband there are several things that you must do when the with a fire that has died out.

First of all, you have to remove everything from the firebox and clean it all out. All of the half-burnt, scarred wood and ashes have to be taken out. This requires complete honesty with yourself, with your husband or wife and with God. You can't do this on your own, but as you call out to God, He will show you what to do. However, for complete restoration you must be willing to do all that He asks of you.

Secondly, you have to start anew with the two of you (and God) as the foundation of your fire, then begin to rebuild it with His help and His fire.

Next, You add the small twigs...kind deeds, thoughtfulness, gentleness, faithfulness, godliness and especially self-control. You cannot expect to re-ignite the fire immediately. It takes time and patience and a whole lot of grace, but it is worth ever ounce of effort that you put into it.

As you work on the small things that God shows you, changes will happen. It won't be long until you will notice the flame growing taller and taller. Laughter returns. Surface level connections happen and the relationship will begin to heal, but it takes diligence to add the right fuel to the fire. There has to be limits in place to keep out wood that does not belong in your fire...but the end results of your hard work will be a wonderful warmth and glow of Heaven on your marriage and the godly influence for future generations.

Keep the love flame going in your hearts!

Donna

Donna McHugh has been married to David for over 26 years. They have 2 grown sons, Samuel and Bradley. She has been actively writing articles and other works since 1996. Several of her works have been published by Allegheny Publications and Country Pines Printing, Inc, and through self-publishing. These works include: Easter, Christmas and VBS programs and various articles and short stories.

Her newest writing venture is in the form of blogging at mchughministries.blogspot.com.

DISCLAIMER: The author retains all rights to this article. It was written for Cherish the Call and Jennifer Self. All others must obtain permission from the author to copy, store in any electronic or recorded format. The material cannot be used for financial gain by anyone except the author. 

You may contact the author at: ddmchugh@juno.com

What I Would Do To Fall in Love Again

It makes me very sad when I hear a woman say about her husband, "I'm just not in love with him anymore." As if that was enough to walk away from all they have had and all they have contributed through their marriage.

While we wish marital love was always bright sun on turquoise waves and sandy beaches, sometimes the winds blow and the sand becomes grit behind our eyelids. The peaceful ocean whips into a tsunami and the sun blisters our skin. We wonder what happened to the love of a lifetime and if there is any life left in our love.

Source

A post like this needs a disclaimer. Admittedly, I am not a therapist and I have a wonderful relationship with my husband who treats me like a queen. If safety is in jeopardy or vows have been broken, these tips may not be applicable. However, I believe that generally marriage is for life and vows are made before God as well as before man. I can only tell you what I think I would do. If I felt that I had "fallen out of love" with my husband, I think I would employ these strategies before thinking our marriage had bit the dust as well:

Source

Look.
There has to be some good still there. There was when you met him and when you married him you thought he was absolutely perfect. Dig through the clutter of regret and shake off the dust of a neglected love and see where the treasure is, hidden though it may be. Is he a great dad? Does he work hard? Is he faithful to you? Focus on those things that are good and wonderful in your husband.


Remember.

Source

That wink he gave you from across the room when you were dating that made your heart beat staccato rhythm. The gentle way he held your hand and looked into your eyes as you spoke your vows. The times he woke with the baby in the middle of the night so you could get extra rest. That special getaway or date. Remember the love you have shared and specific ways and times you did so.


Pretend.
No, hypocrisy doesn't have a place in marriage. Things have to be 100% real. However, you can look and remember and pretend that things are as they once were. Do all the little things that you once did when you were in love. Chances are those actions of love are the things that will bring back the "feeling" of love again.

Source

Determine.
Believe that God created marriage to be for life and act as if you believe it. Determine that you will do whatever is in your power to make the marriage work and to fall in love again. Making this decision goes a long way towards putting love into action again.


Praise.
When you see the good and act on your love whether you feel it or not, don't keep it to yourself. Tell your husband about the good you see in him. Thank him for the things he does. You may even tell him that you are determined to fall in love with him again. I think it probably won't take long for him to get on board as well!


Have you tried these tips? Have they put the love back into your marriage? I'd love to hear about a marriage restored in a world of marriages crumbling!

Listen Up!

How many times have I said to my children that they need to listen? Countless! It seems like this saying has resonated in my own ears at times.  I think that I pressed the speed button on my listening device one too many times and now all I do is grasp the first, middle, and last words of what is being said to me especially in relation to my family. My attention is pulled in a hundred different directions while I have this earnest face focused upon mine simply asking for me to listen. Now what is more important than hearing about how house is being played outside and the best soup ever is being made? Tell me; wouldn’t you like to know the recipe that includes gravel, water, and walnuts? Sounds absolutely delightful! I think I might make it for our next church dinner. Yet, it is important! I realize that when I don’t give my full attention to my children they feel like I don’t care. In fact, they have told me that. I am confirming in their impressionable minds that God is the same way. He doesn’t listen because He is simply too busy.

Then this same scenario can be carried over to my husband. He needs my attention, but how often have I been focused on a task that must be accomplished. The children are in bed. We are enjoying some peace and quiet. Time we could concentrate on each other. Once again my thoughts are honing in on other things. Are they of importance? Sure! However, my husband should receive my undivided attention. Do I fail? Oh yeah! Most definitely! Can I improve? I am trying! He needs me to listen up. Sometimes it is subjects that interest him. Sometimes it is issues he needs to voice. Sometimes it is plans for the future. Sometimes it is dreams. All of it is of essence in knowing my husband better.

Often treasured individuals that are in our church congregation need me to listen up to what they have to share. It could be a child’s accomplishment or even an issue they faced. Possibly it might be a deep hurt that was received years before that was never overcome. Maybe it is something exciting that took place in their spiritual life. Or perhaps it is a battle they aren’t sure how to fight. It may well be the loss of a loved one or illness that is facing the family. Whatever the case, my ears must be attuned to their pain or joy! I want them to sense that I care. Do I? Oh most definitely. Their pain is mine. Their joy is mine. Are they blood relation…only by Jesus’ blood that was shed for us, but God has given me a great love for my church family.  I want to listen!

Leaving the most important for last…I must listen up to God. He has much that I need to hear. Areas where I can improve in are especially in this listening aspect.  On a daily basis, I feel that I fall so short. Yet, I keep plugging along attempting to press the slower button and take time to listen. The cares of life are pulling me in every direction, but I must tune my ears to even the slightest whisper of God’s voice. If I can train my ear to listen to Him, then my husband, my children, and my church family will definitely have my attention. So today I am trying to listen up!

-Tonya

What to Do When Valentine's Day is Over

The most lucrative holiday for the floral industry is history for 2012. It's likely that the roses in a million homes are starting to droop a bit or at least lose a few petals. The chocolates are probably almost gone. The romantic cards have been filed away (or tossed by the less sentimental ones). Some women are inwardly pouting because their not-so-sweetie forgot Valentine's Day.....again. Now it's back to business as usual.

Ah, yes. Business as usual. Just what did marriage look like before the Hallmark holiday put pressure on guys to spend their hard-earned money on over-priced blooms and card stock? What did romance look like before it was so....commercialized......glamorized......obligatory?

Our culture is pretty good at missing the point when it comes to holidays. A holiday to celebrate the advent of the Messiah and Savior of the world becomes a time to gather as much stress, food and merchandise as possible. The day we commemorate the death and resurrection of that Savior becomes nothing more than a hunt for Easter eggs and filling baskets with treats.

It's no surprise that we miss the point of Valentine's Day, a day meant to show a spouse how much we love them, by putting price tags on love. Love is the giving of oneself.....wholly, completely. Yet, we measure it in the number of stems in the vase and the prestige of the label on the chocolates or the number of carats in that new piece of jewelry.

He sweats and trades hours for dollars that last a much shorter time than his labor. His strong hand leads us out of the wedding chapel, grips ours during childbirth and cups the child's face as it spills tears. His eyes look deep into ours with understanding and turn quickly from she who would draw him from us. His feet walk beside ours on quiet walks, pace the floor with the colicky baby and run to our rescue.

Yes, Valentine's Day is over, but the real gift is enduring. When the roses fade and the wrinkles deepen. When the chocolates and the years are eaten up. When our most valuable metals are carried in our mouths rather than around our necks. All is well because a giving of oneself never disappoints. It's all there is to give.

This is the real business of love. The everyday giving. Giving every day. No matter what the calendar says.

Three Ways to Prefer One Another in Marriage

  Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love;

 in honour preferring one another. 

Romans 12:10

I've written about the Golden Rule and how it applies to marriage. Many marriages could benefit from just a little common courtesy. You know, the kind we give to strangers or our church family? It's easy to skip over verses like the one above when thinking about our husbands, because we don't think they apply to marriage. However, if anyone needs to be treated with brotherly love, it should be our husbands! After all, if he is a Christian, he is a brother in Christ as well.

Here are just three of many ways that I believe husbands and wives can put the other spouse ahead of themselves:


1. Respect their need for time to recharge.
One of the best gifts my husband gives me is a night off. I love my job as keeper of our home and chief caretaker of our children including their education. However, although I don't need time away from the people in my life, a little quiet from the chaos and responsibility is a great way to recharge my "batteries". I do the grocery shopping alone one night a week and often stop for a cup of coffee alone with a book or with friends on my way to the store. Of course, I do my best to return the favor. My husband has hobbies that he enjoys as well. Classic marriage fights over the other person's hobbies need not occur if both spouses are thinking of the other person.


2. Respect their need to be themselves.
So many times we expect our husbands to think just like we do. We think that since we enjoy certain things or receive affection in certain ways that our husbands must surely have similar interests. The truth is that men and women are very different, and individuals are very different. If I have a problem, I talk it to death. When my husband needs to solve something, he keeps quiet and takes time to mull it over. We have learned that when I need to resolve an issue, he needs to listen. When he needs to resolve something, I need to be quiet and wait.

Source

3. Respect their desires over yours.
This is a very general statement, and it can have many applications. It pains me to see Christian women so caught up in the feminist movement that they say things like, "I'm not going to be a slave to any man!" Whatever your beliefs about Biblical submission in marriage, the simple truth is that Christ came to serve, and He asks us to do the same for our Christian brothers and sisters. Why should we not learn what our husband likes---to eat, to do, to have---and do all in our power to make it happen? This is not the message of women suppressed by a patriarchal society. It is the message of the Cross!

In Titus 2, the older women are instructed to teach the younger women to love their husbands. The ironic thing is that the word for "love" is the word used for brotherly or friendship love. Even though the romance of Valentine's Day is around the corner, let's not forget to love our husbands as brothers in Christ as well!

Thoughts on Comparing

There's a lot going around the blogosphere about being "enough" and not comparing oneself to others. I always read these posts with interest. I think that every woman has the tendency to compare herself to another woman at some point and on some level. If you've never had that problem, please let us know your secrets!

These thoughts are rather random, but they have been rolling around in my brain for awhile as I've considered this topic. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments in addition to these!

Real Men Love Real Women
Even in Christian media, we get mixed messages when it comes to how we "should" look. Even the most "perfect" models worry that they don't measure up in this area, so I'm thinking that most of my readers have struggled at some point with not looking ___________ enough. Christian authors and writers tell us that our husbands love us the way we are, then they tell us that we need to keep ourselves looking our best so they won't stray. I'm not going to go into it anymore here, but two great messages from GUYS have come into my radar recently that were so encouraging in this area.

Here they are if you want to be encouraged:

I'd Rather Have a Proverbs 31 Woman Than a Victoria's Secret Model

"How Do I Look?" A 7-Part Series by Hallee's husband

Christ-Centered or Self-Centered
 O.K. that was the encouragement before the "ouch"! Just thought I'd warn you! At least it has the potential to be an "ouch" for me.  I first heard a preacher say this, but I've heard it several times since. It's simple, yet it was profound for me.

"A humble person (the opposite of self-centered) doesn't think highly of himself nor does he have a bad opinion of himself. He simply doesn't think of himself at all."

What does this have to do with comparing ourselves with other women? Much! When I am thinking of that other mom and how she never gets impatient with her kids like I do or that woman that has the perfect wardrobe in size 2 that I don't have, I am not thinking of  Christ. I am not thinking of that woman and her welfare. No, I am thinking only of myself. I am acting as if the world centers around me rather than my Savior, and I'm disappointed because I am not the best at ______________. Centering my life around Christ should make my extra pounds and sometimes-cluttered house seem pretty insignificant.


Two Comparisons We Should Make
Although we should not compare ourselves to other women either in a self-deprecatory way or a self-exalting way, there are two comparisons that are important. One is to compare yourself to the person you used to be. Have you grown in any area? Have you conquered some bad habits? Consider how far you've come, and thank the Lord for the strength He's given you to improve.

The other comparison we should make is to compare ourselves with Jesus Christ. Are we ever going to measure up? Nope. However, if we see how perfectly He lived out His life, we can be inspired to be as much like Him as possible. If we endeavor to do that, we will grow!

An Audience of One
On my reading list last month was Angie Smith's What Women Fear. In it, she was talking about how we perform for others or worry about what others think of us. She gave the illustration of a stage with only herself performing. She talked about all the people that she would want there if she performed well. Then, she said that she endeavors to perform this act we call life for an audience of One.

I remember a similar feeling on my wedding day. My parents had spent more than they ever had in my life on my dress for that day and the flowers I carried. If I ever were to look my best, this was it. All of my closest family and friends were there. I was headed down the aisle as the focal point of the ceremony. "Here Comes the Bride!" However, when those doors opened, all the people might as well have not even showed up for all I noticed them. My eyes were on my favorite person in the room, my soon-to-be husband. I didn't care if everyone else in the building thought my dress was of horrible taste. I searched his eyes; and when I saw his approval, I was satisfied. His opinion was the only one that mattered.

If you want to look your best, care for your home the best you can, be the best mother you can be, or be the best ____________: go ahead! But block out all other faces, and look way up into His face. If you see His smile of approval, you can forget about everyone else. The way He loves, accepts and cherishes you----to that there is no comparison!

Marriage Means Parenting as a Team

"Sometimes I have to get onto my husband. He just acts like one of the kids," I'm sure I blinked as I listened to the mom across from me. She went on to tell me how her husband just gets too rough playing with the kids, and she has to calm them all down. For once, I was speechless. I waited for her to qualify her statement, but she went on to tell me how she has to step in and tell them (including the man that is the full-time provider for their family) to take a break from playing for awhile so they don't tear up the house.

I guess I shouldn't be too hard on her. Have you ever considered how many children's books portray the mother as the great dispenser of wisdom that keeps the whole family in check? The dad always gets "carried away", and the mother has to draw the family back to sensibility. In the Christian versions, she also corrects her husband spiritually.

While I definitely think my role as "help" to my husband includes keeping him accountable to some extent, what is the real motive for stepping in and correcting his parenting? Do I think I can do it better? That's called pride. Does it have to be done my way? That's stubbornness. Am I afraid of relinquishing control? That's rebellion. In case you haven't read your Bible in a while, let me remind you that those are characteristics that God hates.

I am not talking to those who may be married to an abusive dad or husband right now. I'm talking to those of us who are married to the man that loves our children just as much as we do. We trust him to check the locks at night and take care of anyone that tries to break in and harm us. We trust him to earn part or all of our income and pay the bills. We trust him to fix our car or the hole in the ceiling. Why can we not trust him to parent the children we brought into the world together?

When I step in and intervene when my husband is correcting a child, I am saying to my child, "Your dad isn't competent to handle this. Let me take care of it." When I tell my husband to stop playing with the kids, I'm telling my kids, "The health of my lamp is more important than your spending time with your father." When I lecture him on a spiritual issue, I am taking the role of the Holy Spirit in his life and of the spiritual head of our home.

I've seen the kids of these type of mothers. They either have no respect for their father because their mother never did or they have no respect for their mother because she controlled them to the point of ruining their relationship with their dad. I don't want either outcome for my family.

Parenting is hard, and both my husband and I will make lots of mistakes.That's why it's something that has to be accomplished as a team. We can't afford for either one of us to sit on the bench. When we do it His way, the Coach smiles, and our chances of winning in this parenting game are much higher.

The Freedom Your Husband Needs

I'm all about freedom. I enjoy the privilege of living in a country where I can worship how I choose and a state where I can educate my children in the way I decide. In the last three decades, we have heard a lot about the liberated woman. Women have come a long way, or so we're told. We have gained the right to vote and shattered glass ceilings. We have won the freedom to do whatever we want to do.

I believe that in our fight to achieve freedom from the so-called stereotypes placed upon women, we have taken some very basic freedoms from the men we love. The simple truth is when the glass from the ceilings we have broken through settles, someone is going to get cut. Sadly, it doesn't happen to be the male chauvinist boss or the abusive boyfriend. It's often our husbands that have to pick up the pieces.

Here are a few things our husbands have to give up when we stride past them in our high heels and designer clothes and remind them to pick up the dry cleaning:

• The Freedom to Provide. No, I'm not talking about whether you work or whether you make more money than your husband. I just know that a man is wired by his Creator to work by the sweat of his brow to provide for his family. You can call that dominance if you want to. I call it servanthood. You can call the wife of such a man a parasite. I call her blessed. When we show our husbands that we can get along without them thank you very much, their innate purpose for living is what we have shattered. Helping bring income into the family is not the problem and can be quite commendable when the two of you work as a team. However, that is not the same as blatant disregard for a husband's need to provide for his family.

• The Freedom to Protect. The sad part of feminism is that it doesn't allow for much femininity. We have fought to become men and changed the whole dynamic of romance and pursuit. Who hasn't thrilled at one time or another to a story of a handsome prince rushing in at just the right time to snatch his love from the clutches of death or an evil suitor? Fanciful? Yes. Realistic? Well, yes. That is exactly what your husband wants to do for you. Perhaps his black steed looks more like an old clunker; but give him a chance, and he will be there to protect you. Sometimes even from yourself. 

• The Freedom to Pamper. I'm a pretty independent type of person. Just ask my parents about the decade of clashes of wills, and they will attest to that fact. I like to know that I can do things for myself. I desire control and pride myself on having my own way. Apart from grace, I would make a staunch feminist. But where is the joy in gathering my own roses? Or the romance in opening my own car door and paying the bill as well? Just how is it oppressive to me to have my husband take my arm and make sure I don't fall on the ice?

Sure, you may be able to do it better. But where is the satisfaction in that? Watch your husbands eyes light up when you sincerely thank him for working hard for your family. Step back and let him fight a few battles for you even if his sword is a little rusty. Forget your advanced degree and the income it brings, and accept the flowers he presents you with genuine delight.

When you give him back these basic freedoms, you won't worry about any ceilings. Heaven is a much loftier height to reach.

Ten Things You'll Never Hear Your Husband Say

Thought I'd lay off of the "heavy" stuff this week and give us all a laugh or at least a knowing grin:

1. "You know, my underwear is looking a little ratty. I think I'll clean out that drawer today."

2. "I think I'm getting too many tools. Maybe I should give some away."

3. "That computer is too high-speed for me. An older model will work just fine."

4. "Let's go out for dinner tonight. No, don't worry about changing...I love how you look in those old sweats and your high school T-shirt!"

5. "Let's go to the mall! I heard Bath and Body Works is having a great sale."

6. "You haven't scheduled the family photo yet? I'll be happy to do it for you. That's something I don't want to miss!"

7. "Junior's been acting a little strange lately. I think it might be time to go out for coffee and have a heart-to-heart with him."

8. "Honey, are you sure you have enough shoes? Our closet looks really empty."

9. "I'm having trouble fixing this leak. Do you have any suggestions for me?"

10. "I really have no idea where we are. I'm going to pull over and find someone to give me directions."

But What About Me?

Marriage. It's important to the Christian message. Even central when one considers that we are the Bride of Christ and that marriage is a picture of His relationship with the Church.

However, based on some "real life" conversations I've heard, some of you are (maybe) thinking: "Why is it always about him? What about how I am supposed to be treated? And why do I have to be such a great wife when he isn't always a great husband?"

First of all, it is not my responsibility to tell your husband how to treat you. That privilege belongs to God and to the elders of the church.

Secondly, realize that your husband does have orders from God about how to treat you. He was pretty clear in the Scripture. You think submission is hard, try sacrificing your life.

Let's look at the example of Jesus. God, as the head authority of the Trinity, made the decision to create man in His own image. All three persons of the Trinity were present and active in Creation. They worked as One because they are One. Yet, do you see Jesus' name specifically mentioned in Genesis 1? No. Do you see Him complaining that the Father got all the credit? A reading of Jesus' words in the New Testament shows that just the opposite is true.

Jesus is equal with God, and He is God. Yet, He chose to lay down His own life to work out God's redemption plan. His ministry was like that of a wife and mother in many ways. His days were full of meeting physical needs, discipling and teaching his band of twelve men who rarely "got it" and receiving criticism all along the way.

If the King of Kings and Lord of Lords can submit to His Father's authority with joy and from a heart of love, then why is it so hard for us?

O.K., I know your husband, as wonderful as he is, is not anywhere close to Jesus. One could argue that it is easy to submit to such a perfectly benevolent and righteous authority as God the Father.

However, I don't see where Jesus had it easy. He exchanged the glories of Heaven for a manger, a carpenter's shop, an itinerant ministry and a cross.He poured Himself into a people that, for the most part, would hate and reject Him. His submission to the Father, loving though He is, cost Him 33 years of pain and suffering and a death worse than any of us will experience.

So, the next time you're tempted to ask, "What about me?", remember this: The reason it's not really about you is that it's not really about him. You know, the him you married.

No, your service, your submission, your sacrifice---it's all about Him! For He tells us in Matthew's gospel, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."


Jennifer Self is a disciple of Jesus Christ who loves following His plan for her life as a wife to the most wonderful man in the world and mama to four little blessings. Her days are filled with spending time with her man, homeschooling, preparing reasonably healthy meals and keeping the dust bunnies and the clutter monster at bay with a little blogging mixed in. After her family has been taken care of, she dabbles in her other passions of reading, health and music. She blogs about her life, her Heavenly Father, marriage, parenting and home at www.joyeverafter.blogspot.com and real food for real families from the perspective of real faith at www.growingreal.net.

Being Thankful in Our Marriage

Most of us have a mental checklist of the things we need to do to maintain our marriages daily.Tell him I love him as he goes out the door. Check. Welcome him after work with a kiss. Check. Remember not to nag him to take out the trash. Check. Make him dinner. Check. (Does ordering pizza count?)

I would venture a guess that thankfulness is not really at the top of our lists. It seems like anything nice that our husbands do for us is just expected. I've seen husbands do something really nice for their wives (including my own husband) and have seen wives act as if they didn't even notice (including me).

Maybe you're thinking, "But my husband doesn't do anything thank-worthy!" While there are a few genuine jerks out there masquerading as husbands, I believe better of men in general. Take a look at this list and see if you can't find one or two things for which to tell your husband, "Thank you!" this week:

• He goes to work to provide all or part of the family income.

• He stays with the kids so you can go shopping.

• He takes out the trash without your asking. (Good thing you didn't nag!)

• He fills your car with gas.

• He takes you out to dinner once in a while.(Now you don't even have to call the pizza delivery guy!)

• He fixes things around the house. 

• He doesn't complain when you burn dinner. (Um, what was the number to the pizza place again?)

• He tells you you're beautiful and really means it. (Yeah, he really does.)

So now what do you say? What's the magic word? 

Clue #1: It's not..."It's about time!" 

Clue #2: It is what you like him to say to you when you have worked 4 hours on the meal he just enjoyed. (You know, those nights when the pizza shop is closed?) 

 

 

Jennifer Self is a disciple of Jesus Christ who loves following His plan for her life as a wife to the most wonderful man in the world and mama to four little blessings. Her days are filled with spending time with her man, homeschooling, preparing reasonably healthy meals and keeping the dust bunnies and the clutter monster at bay with a little blogging mixed in. After her family has been taken care of, she dabbles in her other passions of reading, health and music. She blogs about her life, her Heavenly Father, marriage, parenting and home at www.joyeverafter.blogspot.com and real food for real families from the perspective of real faith at www.growingreal.net.

Knit Together in Love

I open the Holy Pages and read, "Their hearts might be....knit together in love".

My mind drifts to a group of us, sitting and talking, as we women do. One or two reach into diaper bags or purses and pull out a pile of yarn and needles. As my only craft involves my fingers on a keyboard of one kind or another, I watch in awe as strands of yarn are joined in such a way that I can't see where one begins and ends. They are perfectly meshed together!


The passage I read is speaking of Christian brothers and sisters. I can think of no more fitting application of being "knit together" than that of a marriage, especially considering that the Bible calls a married couple to be "one flesh".

As I watch my friend busily knitting, I think of the end result. I own several lovely blankets and baby clothing items that were hand-knitted for me and my children. Those separate strands of yarn that were previously not particularly useful for anything have now become a warm, comforting cover for my baby. Not unlike a marriage that is knit together in love. Two individual strands become one in such a way as to make a lovely addition to the family of God.


One other thing comes to mind as I see the flying needles and the developing masterpiece. What happens when one tries to separate the strands to their previous state? From my viewpoint as I finger the blanket covering my sleeping baby, separating the masterpiece into individual strands of yarn will require ripping. Tearing. Damaging the lovely blanket.

What happens when one tries to restore a one flesh relationship to individuals once again? Ripping. Tearing flesh. Much more than a baby blanket is destroyed. Searing pain causes a couple once joined and now torn asunder to realize that healing only comes from the Creator Himself.

Her needles fly as we talk about school and diaper brands and what we're fixing for dinner that evening. I gaze at the strands and pray to my Creator, "May our marriage always be knit together in love. What you have joined, let us not tear asunder. For the tearing would not only bring us great pain, but it will do away with the blanket of comfort and hope we are to be to the world for You."

"So are you going to take up knitting?" she asks with a grin. I smile. I think I already have.


Jennifer Self is a disciple of Jesus Christ who loves following His plan for her life as a wife to the most wonderful man in the world and mama to four little blessings. Her days are filled with spending time with her man, homeschooling, preparing reasonably healthy meals and keeping the dust bunnies and the clutter monster at bay with a little blogging mixed in. After her family has been taken care of, she dabbles in her other passions of reading, health and music. She blogs about her life, her Heavenly Father, marriage, parenting and home at www.joyeverafter.blogspot.com and real food for real families from the perspective of real faith at www.growingreal.net. 

Is Your Romance Old or New?

Our culture worships the new. Whether it's the latest of technology or the most modern clothing, we spend our money on the newest products available.

Our celebrations are geared around the new as well. New babies are anticipated and gifts are showered on the expectant mother. Strangers in stores stop to ooh and ahh over newborns.

Thousands and even millions of dollars are spent on weddings. A newlywed couple is the very essence of romance. We snap photos and bask in the joy of new love.

Even birthdays cater toward the new. We throw the biggest parties for our child's first birthday; but by the time someone reaches his thirties and beyond, parties to celebrate his advancing age are fewer and farther between.

I'm glad we celebrate the new. Weddings and births and children's birthdays are momentous, much anticipated occasions. However, when I look at marriage, I sometimes wonder if "old" romance isn't somehow sweeter.

I see the elderly couple walking slowly through a parking lot, holding hands and a lump comes to my throat. When they walked down the aisle fifty years earlier, their gathered friends and family probably cheered. I want to stop my car, roll down the window and cheer for them now!

A bent older man shuffles along with a walker beside his wife. As they reach the restaurant door, he stops and holds the door for her. The gallant gesture of a new groom helping his wife into the getaway car could not be more noble. Tears spring to my eyes, and I resist the urge to clap.

The roses that adorn the bouquets of a wedding party are fresh and new and unspoiled, just as a new romance should be. However, I've been at the bedside with the couple fifty years removed from that day and smelled the scent of crushed roses. Though mixed with pain, the scent wafted so sweetly as the wrinkled little lady bent to kiss her husband one last time. The first marital kiss at the wedding altar offers hope, but this kiss is hope turned to sweet fulfillment and soon to become a memory.

By comparison to these, my marriage has been short. However, I know the joy of new romance and a new marriage. The new is always followed by the aging process---pain, sorrow, trying to pay the bills and the simple pressures of life. And although I hope to experience many more years before that last kiss, the few petals that have been crushed through the aging of a romance are lending an ever-sweeter aroma to our marriage.

I pray your marriage is growing sweeter with age as well.




Jennifer Self is a disciple of Jesus Christ who loves following His plan for her life as a wife to the most wonderful man in the world and mama to four little blessings. Her days are filled with spending time with her man, homeschooling, preparing reasonably healthy meals and keeping the dust bunnies and the clutter monster at bay with a little blogging mixed in. After her family has been taken care of, she dabbles in her other passions of reading, health and music. She blogs about her life, her Heavenly Father, marriage, parenting and home at www.joyeverafter.blogspot.com and real food for real families from the perspective of real faith at www.growingreal.net.

No More Marriage Books!

You know me and books. I am telling you about a book I've read or extolling the virtues of reading nearly every week on this blog. For that reason, you might have done a double take when reading the title of this blog post. I trust you didn't take it too seriously and that you'll allow me to explain.

Fear is something that I'm not prepared to adequately discuss. I can only speak from my own experience and that of those close to me. I believe most of the time our deepest fears involve people in our lives. The fear of what people think of us. The fear of ruining our children. The fear of losing a loved one. And yes, the fear of not being a perfect wife.

Which brings me back to the subject of marriage books to which I alluded in the title. I've read many of them, profited from some and recommended a few. I've heard all the practical tips for keeping our husbands' affection and accepting responsibility for his propensity to stray. I've even shared a few here and there.

I accept that there are women out there who literally care nothing about how they look, treat their husbands horribly all the time, allow their homes to remain in perpetual chaos and leave their men to fend completely for themselves in the food department. Perhaps there should be no surprise when their husbands want to leave them.

However, I believe most of us try to be good wives. And we try very hard. We probably even are good wives most of the time. But that time that our husband slips home for lunch and we're still in our pajamas or the time he wants to crawl into bed and finds a mountain of laundry atop it or when we're all alone and see how we really look in the mirror---those times we feel like the worst wife in the world. We remember the warnings in the marriage books, and we begin to fear.

I used to keep these fears inside; but then, like most thoughts of mine, they began to spill out as I talked to my husband. I'm not sure what I expected---maybe a sage nod that yes, I was finally getting it and I should be afraid because my status as perfect wife was definitely slipping. Or even a customized wife-improvement plan from the man I married. No, he reacted by getting mad! Not at me. He was mad at authors that seem to prey on our fears and make us into perfect robot wives always performing so we don't lose our husbands to a truly "perfect" woman. He told me to stop reading marriage books. Well, not as a command per se, but as a strong suggestion.

So I did. And I started reading him. You know what I found out? He loves me. Profound, huh? No really....he does. He doesn't just love me romantically. He loves me when the candles are snuffed out, when I have a bad day, and when I have some wrinkles and pounds that weren't there when we said "I do".

I don't know about the theology of it all, but it has put a new meaning on the verse that says, "Perfect love casts out fear." Not being a perfect wife. Or even the perfect husband. But the love that began when God said, "Let's make man in our image" and came to a grand climax when Jesus called, "It is finished!" That love is perfect.

I need have no fear when I am loved by an Almighty God after which my own man models his love for me. Would he die for me? I have no doubt. But its the daily living where I read the lines of his love in every little word and deed. And that's a book I'm not about to put down.

Subscribing to Stupidity

If you are into freebies at all (and who isn't?), you know that free magazine subscriptions have been abundant in the last few years. I sign up for ones I think may be helpful since they're free and I can always throw them away when I'm done with them. (Sorry...the closest to green I am is the color of the SUV I drive.  ;-) Well, I do pass them on to family members if I remember.)


Anyway, even after being very particular about the ones I subscribe to, I am angered about the content of "decent" magazines. One parenting magazine geared toward women, for example, featured a different male movie star each issue and told why he was so wonderful (my editing of their choice of words).

Another parenting magazine expressed shock at the statistic that families with school age children would own guns. Directly underneath were the new "coolest" kid headphones with a picture of a skull on them. Hmmm...

I'm tired of religion, too. Don't get me wrong....I'm tolerant. (Even if my post titles aren't!) But only when tolerance is mutual. This is America and we have freedom of religion, however, whenever my religion of choice (Christianity) is mentioned, the writer is always apologetic or worse, sarcastic and poking fun. So much for tolerance. (By the way, by tolerance I mean I support others' rights to choose their religion. I do not mean that I believe we can all be right.) An article that irked me was a woman's health magazine that talked about prayer as a stress reliever even if one doesn't believe in a Supreme Being to which to pray. Huh?

However, the most recent magazine article that drove me to write this ranting, raving analytical post was one touting the benefits of having a "work spouse". Here are some quotes from real people on the subject:

"My husband and I both have work spouses! And I think that's a really positive thing."

And what, exactly, is a "work spouse"?

"When she calls, he gives her his undivided attention and almost always takes her advice."

 "I know that sometimes he's going to call her when he needs to talk something through, and I'm okay with that...If someone else can help make your spouse's life easier and reduce his stress level, it's a win-win for everyone."

 I'm thinking that even though a parenting magazine is publishing this, that it's not going to be a win-win for the children involved when the spouses decide to simplify and let the work spouse be a full-time one.

Final Week of Completing Him Challenge!

Today's challenge is Kiss Him Like You Mean It! It seems a little strange to me that we need to be challenged to kiss our husbands as if it were some difficult thing. Whether it's difficult or easy for you, go for it!


Courtney's post is excellent advice, but let's just say, although I'm very transparent here and not easily embarrassed, this is a topic that is too sacred and personal for me to blog about. Sorry if you wanted more information--that's all I'm going to say.


Except for the fact that this may just be the shortest blog post I've ever written. ;-)

Completing Him Challenge: Respecting Our Husbands

Courtney tells us that today's challenge is:

It's Week #8 in our marriage challenge and this challenge is straight from the Bible:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Your Husband!

I agree wholeheartedly with Courtney's thoughts on this. Read her post to see a list of common things women do to disrespect their husbands.

I would add the need to TRUST our husbands. If your husband has proven himself untrustworthy, then that changes things a bit, of course. However, do we really need to question him so much? Is it really necessary to "remind" him of things so often? Do we feel like he has to do things our way--like child care, washing dishes, etc.? Do we make him feel like we are "checking up on him" in his everyday interactions with other women, entertainment choices, and e-mails? (This is not to discourage open, honest accountability to one another; but I'm talking about unfounded feelings of jealousy and general distrust of our husbands.)

Courtney also said:

Sometimes we women "mock" the male "ego" - but it truly is tender. Deep down - there's insecurity and they need to know that indeed they are adequate, they are enough, they are worthy of our respect.

I know I've written about this before here and here. However, this just brought to my mind how we would feel if things were reversed. We women talk a bit more easily than men about our feelings of inadequacy--with our bodies, our abilities and talents, etc. We expect our husbands to reassure us, to let us know we are beautiful, loved and completely adequate. Yet, we have the tendency to roll our eyes when they act like the men they are and try to tell us they feel inadequate in the way that comes naturally to them.

May I gently remind you, along with Courtney, that if your husband is always bragging on himself and his abilities, it may just be that you are not bragging on him yourself? It's very simple (though not always easy) to show our husbands respect.

I accept the challenge, and I hope you will, too. Let's do what we can to make our husbands feel as respected this week as we want them to make us feel loved.

Completing Him Challenge: Along for the Ride

Here's this week's challenge: Support his vision. Discuss his vision for your family. Where does he see your family in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Share with us how you let your husband lead.

Our 11 year marriage has been full of changes...some good, some bad, others somewhere in between. In our home, my husband has always been the primary wage earner. I made some income in our life BK (before kids) and a little bit since. However, since I began homeschooling, my income potential is pretty much at 0. This means that my husband is providing for our financial needs 100%, so why should I question his career goals? 

When we were first married, he left his previous job and took a significant pay cut to follow God's leading for our lives. A few years later, it proved to be a good decision and God blessed him with higher income and promotions. Then, it looked like we'd reached a dead end, and his plant was being closed down. 

He left to pursue a completely different career--managing his own business. We learned so much through that experience, and he got to pursue a dream he'd always had. That period of our lives involved our whole family instead of just him. We often had to meet him at different locations to deliver trucks, pick up packages, etc. I often joked that I was just "along for the ride."

However, just as I was getting used to that, God led him back to his original career in a different location. That's where he is today. 

At any point along my husband's career journey, I could have fought him, nagged him, and explained that his decisions didn't make particularly good sense to me. However, there was something involved that was much bigger than the two of us. I should say Someone. God had our lives planned for us, and as long as we have walked in His will, He has always provided amply for us through my husband's dedication, hard work, and determination to follow after God. 


For me to question my husband's decisions would be for me to doubt God's plan and provision for our life together. Now that doesn't make good sense!

Completing Him Challenge: In the Kitchen

Well, here we are again. Yet another way to spoil our husbands! Don't get my wrong, I'm married to a wonderful man, and I love to spoil him. I love to do things to please him, and he does the same for me. But, before I get into this week's assignment, I wanted to throw an idea out to you. I'd really like to know what you all think, 'cause this intrigues me. (In other words, I'm ready for a little less sickening sweetness and a little more controversy! ;-) Only kidding!) I've read a lot of "help meet" books. I've talked a lot about being a help meet, especially during this Completing Him Challenge. I'm all about proper Biblical submission to our husbands. However, this chat Laura from Heavenly Homemakers had with Lisa Whelchel made me curious. Though you should read the whole post to get the gist of what they were discussing, here's the quote that stood out to me:

...being a good help meet doesn’t mean that we’re to just completely give up on what we need and desire in our marriage, just to make our husbands happy.  We have to be honest and tell our husbands what we need, otherwise they can’t grow into the husband God desires them to be. 

Could we be handicapping our husbands' growth by making things too easy for them? Hmmmm....What do you think?

Anyway, I did ask my husband about his favorite meal. I must not have spoiled him to rottenness yet, because he said something very sweet like every meal I make is his favorite or some such nonsense. Instead of giving me specifics, he said he likes a "meat and potatoes style meal", preferably beef. Dessert isn't a big deal to him--a trait I'm wishing would rub off on me very soon! I guess we also aren't too exotic on our drinks around here, either. He always gets what he wants to drink--Pepsi, Cherry Coke or sweet tea. I also do not cater to the children when we eat, as you've probably noticed. They eat what we eat (or they don't eat), and my husband and I usually like about the same things. So, I have a pretty easy assignment this week.

If you're really curious about what I'll make, his favorite dinner will probably be pot roast with potatoes, carrots and gravy and a salad. As far as desserts, this morning I made homemade cinnamon rolls for the first time in my life using this bread machine recipe, so that should count for something, right? ;-) As far as drinks, the last time I stocked up on his pop, I got 3 cases of Cherry Coke and only 1 of my favorite, Vanilla Coke (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to be drinking this right now!).

Which brings me back to the thought-provoking quote I mentioned above. He's happy, I'm happy. But is that o.k.?